I’m not always on top of the various feast days of our Church. But, this morning (September 15) when I realized it was the Feast of Our Lady of Sorrows, I had fear. It felt as if it was a premonition of sorts of the day ahead. I’ve been living in fear all week, knowing the visit was getting closer. But this morning, it was the “can’t eat food kind of fear”. Today was the scheduled day for the twin’s grandma to come for her first visit. And she showed up. All Grandma has to do is show an ounce of interest and she will get them back. She showed it today. I feel like we have certainly lost them. The visit was so very hard. I stayed in the kitchen to make lunch for most of the visit. My girl friend Becky stopped by to share and drop off some raw cows milk and fresh veggies for our family. She didn’t realize Grandma was coming today. I felt like she was an angel sent by God (or maybe The Blessed Mother). As I washed dishes, the tears would not stop coming. When she hugged me, the grief over came me. It was so huge. I sobbed until I couldn’t get my breath. Then I started seeing spots because I was hyperventilating. Becky led me outside to pray before our Blessed Mother statue.
I am not sure if I am really comforted by the fact that Mary suffered immense sorrow. Knowing she suffered, doesn’t seem to diminish mine in anyway. My boys aren’t going to be scourged and ridiculed, and nailed upon the cross. I know that. But, the grief is so much bigger then me. I don’t know what to do with it. I have tried to lay it it at the foot of His cross. But the tears keep coming. The sadness overwhelms me.
Before Grandma arrived today, my kids were not having charitable feelings towards Grandma. I told them that we must be kind. Grandma is a child of God, just like all of us. And they were kind. They were friendly and helped the twins to feel more comfortable around Grandma- which I’m sure helped Grandma feel just a little more comfortable. And now, they are playing with Lego’s, laughing and talking. They know we will very possibly lose the twins. But, they don’t worry. They play. Which is so good. They are my examples….unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Today, heaven seems far away. Its kind of easy to imagine you have faith until someone wants to take your children from you. The whole, “do it unto me according to Thy will,” seems impossibly painful right now.
Please keep us in your prayers