I keep trying to make sense of the possibility of losing the twins. I want to somehow, diminish the pain. Mother Teresa (St. Teresa of Calcutta) said: “I have found the paradox. If you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only love”. I really like that saying because it somehow gives me hope that loving and losing is not all in vain. But, I don’t know how to get to the “no more hurt, only love”. To be honest, I don’t see myself getting there. Maybe this is where, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” comes in. God has to do this part for me.
Last week I was pondering this saying from Mother Teresa. I spoke to God and really felt like I was in a place to give my love and ask for nothing in return. I think that’s what Mother Teresa meant when she said it. It’s not about my own selfish desires. It’s not about what I want when I take in children. It’s not about what I get in return from these little souls. It’s about providing a safe home, healing food, a warm bed, a family to love and to be loved by. It’s about serving God every day, in what ever capacity He presents to me.
So, I was feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Like, ok. I can do this! I can serve selflessly in what ever capacity God asks me to. But guess what? I apparently can’t. Because just two days after this conversation I had with God, we were asked to take a two month old baby boy. This little boy has a loving set of Grandparents who want to find a “good Catholic home” for their grandson. The birth parents are unable to care for him but are adamantly refusing to place the baby for adoption. The Grandparent’s hope is that birth mom and dad will, in time, come to change their mind and allow us to adopt their baby. I told the grandma that we would be able to baby sit on weekends (to help out the grandparents who take care of the baby full time) and we would adopt the baby, but only if the parents agreed from the beginning. My fear just won’t allow me to go into such a risky adoption situation. I don’t want to do all the work required of a newborn, wrap my heart around his, and then have him ripped away from our family.
So, there you have it. Talk is cheap. One day I had the warm fuzzies. I was all about God’s will. Two days later, my peace was replaced by fear. I am not shaming myself for not taking this baby. Maybe I’m just exhibiting healthy boundaries, and this is working in God’s will. I really don’t know. What I do know, is that having faith and trusting God is HARD.