Last week I finally got around to putting away the Christmas boxes. I love Christmas decorations but I felt like my house was closing in on my sanity. So, I took the decor down much earlier then previous years. I can usually hold out until Epiphany. But this year I took things down two days after Christmas. Although I feel our house size is entirely adequate for our family, we welcomed into our family a new little one, four days before Christmas. He is 10 months old so he can definitely crawl around and explore his new surroundings. (I’ll write more about this latest addition in another post). Currently we have 5 little boys, 5 years and younger. With our eldest home from college, we had 13 children over the holidays. All this combined, it made for tight quarters this Christmas. Anyway, back to putting boxes away. As I labeled and taped the boxes shut, I looked at our Christmas Stockings and had a lot of sad. I folded up the twin’s stockings wondering if they would still be with us next year. We will have them for the next four months for sure, but after that, we won’t know if or when they will leave our family. It’s been seven months since we learned that we might lose them. Coming to grips with this reality has been one of the hardest things I have had to contend with. The fear, the hurt, the sad, the anger have been so very intense. Walking through these feelings and helping my family do the same has brought out in me that wailing kind of grief. The “I can’t catch my breath” kind of pain. But somewhere along the way, God has breathed hope and life back into me. It is kind of astounding to me. I walk through the day, knowing that they will probably have to leave us, and it doesn’t crush me. I think I have walked through the intense sad and found the gift. I have “accepted the unacceptable”. I know it is only through God and a willingness to walk through my feelings that this is possible. Thank you Jesus for this gift.
Sorrow is better then laughter for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made glad