I have not posted on this blog for one year. I heard a blogger in an interview say once that she doesn’t write about her wounds. She writes about her scars. It’s too painful to write about the wounds. The year of 2017 will be remembered as the “year of wounds” for me- and these wounds most certainly have left scars.
In August (2017) we lost our twins to the reservation. We had our twins from the time they were 13 months old. When they were taken from us, they were 4.5 years old. There was such sorrow in our home. The sad, the lonely, the anger, the shame- it was overwhelming. Too overwhelming to even talk about at times. For me, too painful to write about. We are white. They are brown. Therefore we aren’t the right family for them. At least according to the Indian Child Welfare Act. Just because this is a law on our books, does not mean it’s a just law. It does not mean it serves the children. I mentioned that I had shame. I had shame because we just “let them” take our boys. We handed them over, knowing that it would cause a deep and lasting trauma. The judge who ruled on this believed she was following the law. But there is no integrity or justice in this act. I wish we could have hidden them to protect them.
It’s been 10 1/2 months since we lost them. We have prayed every day for their safety and their return. We are waiting for God to answer. We pray they have found joy and health. We have also prayed for the healing of our wounds. I would say this has been the most painful thing our family has ever gone through. Its the most painful thing I have ever gone through. It’s like a death, except there is no joy knowing they are with our Lord.
This post has no “happy ending” or “lesson well learned” or “moral of the story”. Maybe that will come at a later time. For me, there has been no point to this suffering. I guess we know that it wasn’t enough to kill us, even though it felt like it would.